Many different thoughts surfaced today.. during lecture, while walking.. etc..
I think if there's a god, he's just being selfish... Really. He's one of the nicest guy around. I mean it. God is selfish and want him all to himself... Maybe he needs nice souls around him so he will remain being a good god. But, that is unfair. He forgot to think about the rest being left behind..
I feel wrong/regretful that i wont be able to attend this last gathering with him around. Does not matter that he wont be laughing with us this time.. but... i shld be there.
but then again, I am ashamed that I actually felt somehow relieved that i wont have to be there. I don't think i'll be able to take the atmosphere.. its too heavy.
I really cant remember the last time we chat... was it on my birthday party, one month b4 i leave? or was it at the airport when both our mummys are going South Africa... They kept telling us we'll have lotsa chance it the future.. maybe he is going there now already...
A day before my party, he was like the rest of the grumbling guys, msging me and asking if its alright if he dont wear pink.. I told him to try wear lar.. if not wear something that looks like pink! He put on maroon..
At the party, he came up to me and ask which groups of frens are from where one.. i pointed out to him my sec clique, jc and uni ones.. He laugh and said.. "wha.. so many lo!".. then i ask him.. " got aim any gals or not! I help u!" he laugh and said again.. " all older than me one"... we laugh and i told him to wait when he get into uni to get one!
Then he will at random occasions talk bout how uni life would be like... I keep saying.. " must must must stay hall! join lotsa cca!".. he's always beaming and asking more.. He shld go uni next year.
I'm dreading to go back in Jan... It will only be weeks before its chinese new year. I know i'm thinking too far... but, i cant help but wonder what the next cny will be like. Was it 3 years ago? that we started having this tradition of cousin karaoke on the 2nd day of CNY... we'll leave our uncle's house and head to sing till morning.. b4 heading home.. and drag ourselves out of bed to carry on with 3rd day of visiting... thn we'll all look tired at another uncle's house.. All the 3 days of visiting are always done with them..
Someone ask me if i am close to him? ... I wouldnt say we meet every week... probably more of a once a month.. thn i consider again and realise, actually he and his brother are probably our closest cousins... they would come over our house to watch soccer while we are playing our computer in our room.. or to just come to have dinner with us.. it seem pretty much just like a family..
during family outings /gathering or at some functions we just have to attend, my siblings and i will always stick to both of them.. power in unity, trying to entertain ourselves...
my brother told me he's actually one of the only 2 cousins that he like to speak with..
I really cant imagine what is going to happen next. Are we all going to pretend and act happy when we are all sad deep down inside at all the gatherings? Are there still going to be gatherings since it will probably be too obvious he wont be there and too painful for all to bear?
I regret clearing my computer for more spaces before coming over for exchange. There's one picture of him lookin all red in the face after a bit of alcohol. Its really quite funny.
I feel sorry for my aunti. I cant even begin to imagine the pain she is feeling... Why is life so unfair to her?
I search through my computer and finally found this pic. One of the dinner we have to attend. yea! that's how we entertain ourselves..Its only up till today that i realise... I dont have much family photos in my computer.. That shld change..
Im not going to say i hope things will be fine for my aunt and his brother. I know its not going to be. I just hope they can go thr it... i don't know how...
but...
what i'm really hopping for .. is that this did not happen... ( i know its a stupid hope..).. but i'll do anything for this to just be a bad bad dream.. that i will wake up and forget tomolo.
*****
I'm leaving for portugal + spain 2molo. The trip i've been lookin forward to but i really dont feel like going tomolo..
I'm grateful for my bunch of cute and funny Xchange mates who always say funny stuff that let me forget about what happened temporarily. TY and L are good distractions.
Of coz.. thankful to hub2 for letting me to slp in his room alone while he go to his classes. I need some time alone.
well.. yeP!. portugal and spain 2molo!.
****
I dont think i'll be blogging about my 1 week trip.. maybe, maybe not... Farah's blog--> cleofrost.blogspot.com... anli's blog--> cal_86.blogspot.com... angie's --> sidebar "angeline"... read their blogs for all the entries.
****
I'll exchange all the fun + trips + everything if it can bring him back.
